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ANOTHER MIGHTY RANT
Why do we celebrate the 4th of July? It's one of the several days the Declaration of Independence was signed. Why the Declaration of Independence? Why not some equally important document, like the Constitution? I suppose that, in the current administration, the whole "rights and freedoms" thing doesn't make much difference, but how about the Federalist Papers? Or the Magna Carta? Why the Declaration of Independence?
Setting that aside, most people celebrate the 4th of July in a certain way: they have a barbecue, or maybe go see fireworks. Why doesn't anybody have a specific tradition for Columbus Day? Or Memorial Day? Or Labor Day, which, as far as I know, celebrates mothers giving birth?
posted by Will Stabile
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"When I died, I lost a big part of my life. But, now I'm over it, and I named all the maggots chewing through my flesh: Larry Junior, Bob, Jim, Kelly, and Mad Dog." - Larry Haws, dead person
"Why eat cheese when you can drink it?" - slogan for National Cheese Juice, Inc.
"Where are my slippers? I left them right here!" - Paul McCartney, musician
THE (FORMER) QUOTES OF THE DAY-OR-SO
"I'm going on a vision quest. I've got my cell phone if anyone needs me."- Lore Sjoberg
"They should make a movie that is nothing but trailers. I'd go."- David Neilsen
"You know that thing in movies where your friend gets his mind taken over by a demon or aliens or something and you walk up to him and say 'If you're going to destroy the town, well, you'll have to kill me to do it'? That doesn't work."- Lore Sjoberg
"There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Because your philosophy sucks."- Lore Sjoberg
"We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our large heads high! We will run free with the buffalo or die!"
"Funky Tut!"
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone."
"It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone."
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here ... Hawaii is a unique state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a - It is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
"Mars is in essentially the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."- James Danforth Quayle
"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are. Happy campers you have been. And, as far as I am concerend, happy campers you will always be."- J. Danforth Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean, in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."- "Dan" Quayle
"Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists."- James D. Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements I've made."- Who Do You Think?
"My fellow Americans, I've just signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
"In a fight between you and the world, bet on the world."
"If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed."
"I could whip all the Indians on the planet with the Seventh Cavalry!"
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. That is what drives me."
"Thou shalt commit adultery."- The Bible
as published by Barker and Lucas in 1631
"Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil."
"Plato is a bore."
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
"I'm not going to climb into the ring with Tolstoy."
"Hemingway was a jerk."
"We like the moon!"
"There's an old saying in Tennessee ... I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee ... It says: Fool me once ... shame on ... shame on you ... uh ... Fool muh can't get fooled again."
"Get out of my studio before I tear you to f***ing pieces."
"Whoa."
"Never underestimate the power of the Dark Side..."
"Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air! Never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee!"
"A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling:
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld."
"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."
"I just happen to be the greatest criminal mind of our time."
"He's bleeding demised! ... He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleeding choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!"
"How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive make your time. HA HA HA HA ..."
So there you have it!
THE THINGS WRONG WITH THE PLANET
1. George W. Bush
2. Ralph Nader
3. The recent over-glorification of Yoda (I liked him BEFORE he was cool!)
4. The cancellation of "Farscape"
5. George W. Bush
6. The fact that the best line the anti-war movement can come up starts with "Hey hey, ho ho"
7. Exceptionally large feet
8. Colin Powell
9. The fact that you even made it this far. I would have given up by now.
10. The fact that Spider-Man grossed more than Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
11. Pompatuses. Or is it Pompati?
12. The fact that more kids know the theme song from "SpongeBob SquarePants" than the fact that George W. Bush was a drug addict
13. Scallions. I just don't like them.
14. The gross underpopulation of chickens
15. George W. Bush
16. Time For Kids' propoganda powers
17. Chicken Soup for the Soul
18. Halliburton's mega-billion dollar contract in Iraq
19. Garbage trucks
20. Florida
21. Wyoming
22. B.O.
23. George W. Bush
24. Michael Moore being considered the voice of the Left
25. Fox News
26. Are you still here? I admire your persistence.
27. Weird phone service calling plans
28. State quarters. Yeah, you heard me.
29. Taking nouns and making them into verbs
30. William Shatner
31. Geese. They're always taking the limelight from ducks.
32. Your mama!
33. Water being more expensive than gasoline
34. Jar Jar Binks
35. The glossing-over of Anthony Serkis's Oscar-worthy performance as Gollum
UPDATE: Gollum did receive an MTV Movie Award for Best Virtual Performance. Plus, he gets bonus points for having the best awards acceptance speech ever.
36. Raspberry-flavored oranges from Stater Bros.
37. George W. Bush
38. The fact that you have to plug so many wires into a laptop
39. Saying "fudge" as an exclamation
40. The fact that I can't harness the Force to get a sandwich out of the fridge
41. Evil Martian Invaders
42. Goobers (combinations of peanut butter and jelly, for you imbeciles out there)
43. Cow-tipping
44. The Brunswick Corporation's monopoly on bowling
45. The word "wok" not being said as much as it should. Wok. Wok. Wok. Wok.
46. Phrases like "g2g", "lol", "1337", "FYI", etc.
47. The United States
48. Yeah, you heard me.
49. I said the United States
50. What are you gonna do about it?
51. James Joyce
52. You're not bored yet? You've got to be a little drowsy...
53. That "Calvin Peeing" bumper sticker (Bill Watterson must be having a fit)
54. George W. Bush
55. This word.
56. I'll take a few of these to recover from that.
57. Phew.
58. That's a really long word.
59. Okay, I think I've recovered.
60. Anyway, Pauly Shore
61. Be Ready
62. Hedgerow-bustling. It sounds like some weird lung condition.
63. Hey, look over there!
64. George W. Bush
65. House of Frankenstein
66. Britney Spears
67. The Backstreet Boys
68. N*Sync
69. Christina... well, you get where I'm going with this, right?
70. The Star Wars Holiday Special
71. The fact that anyone considers this book classic literature
72. This song. It's not that I'm some sort of anarchist who hates America, I JUST HATE THIS SONG!
73. You're really trying to finish this, aren't you?
74. Marmaduke
75. The fact that you're now 75% of the way through this list
76. This guy
77. George W. Bush
78. The lack of phrases like "g2g", "lol", "1337", "FYI", etc. (I realize that this directly contradicts what I said earlier, which leads me to...)
79. Hypocrisy
80. Our President's ties to these guys
81. http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0075148/" target="_blank">Movie montages
82. George W. Bush
83. The fact that only landmarks can be destroyed in disaster movies. Nothing else, just landmarks.
84. Hummer Utility Vehicles or whatever they're supposed to be called. They're just really obscenely large.
85. Anchovies
86. ADVERTISING JINGLES!!! GET THEM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
87. "MacArthur Park"
88. Stale Fritos
89. Come on, you're almost there!
90. Fluorescent lighting
91. Rush Limbaugh
92. Pizza Inn? PIZZA INN?!? WHAT ARE YOU, COMMUNISTS OR SOMETHING?!?
93. Take a breather. You're so close, I can almost taste it.
94. I can't believe that this isn't real news!
95. Mail-order meat
96. George W. Bush
97. The IRS
98. George W. Bush
99. The lack of a list devoted to the things wrong with the world ... or is there?
100. You're done!
Let me start of by saying that Parkay is not, as the commercial says, "Just like butter". It is margarine, which would be more like butter if it were harvested on the 19th moon of the planet Xenon. Most people should know this. Those who don't, however, are apparently the target audience for Parkay Fun Squeeze. For those of you who didn't care enough to visit the above link, Parkay Fun Squeeze is basically just margarine in a tube. Except that it's colored. Yes, people, you can get squeezable imitation cow secretion in a tube in either Electric Blue or Shocking Pink! So, whenever you feel the need for some suddenly vile-tasting, blue-tinted broccoli, you can whip out your tube of Parkay Fun Squeeze! Is your toast too dry, and not margarine-flavored or pink enough? Parkay Fun Squeeze will save the day! Yes, Parkay Fun Squeeze will do all this and more! On a slightly less humorous note, what exactly is so "fun" about Parkay Fun Squeeze? Do other people's hearts become light at the very thought of turning their waffles a refulgent blue, while I sit here in my Neolithic, joyless, margarine-free, black-and-white world? Why does Parkay even make this stuff? Why doesn't everyone realize that the phrase "Butter-Flavored Topping" is simply code for "Come on, people! This isn't butter!"? Why am I asking you all these questions? Why? Why? WHY?!?
Topic the Second: SpongeBob SquarePants
If you haven't heard of SpongeBob yet, then you are a poor, poor person who will never know cultural literacy again. SpongeBob is probably not a fad. I say "probably" because, hey, who knows? SpongeBob is, however, a creepy little animated sponge who lives underwater with his nautical friends. SpongeBob is always wearing a buck-toothed grin and doing some harmless yet somehow comedic stunt that always goes awry. Or something like that. Why does nobody else think that SpongeBob is creepy? When you sit down and watch the show, you suddenly realize that SpongeBob is constantly alienating his friends, disturbing his peaceful underwater suburb of Bikini Bottom, or causing some other disastrous thing that often destroys everything and everyone around him. No, seriously. I'm not just making stuff up like the CapAlert guy. Of course, if he were writing this, he would probably say that SpongeBob's pineapple house is some obscure Satanic symbol, and that it should be stripped from television. Be glad that I'm not the CapAlert guy. Anyway, SpongeBob isn't even an underwater sponge. He's like a talking dishwashing sponge. With buck teeth. Yeeugh.
Topic the Third: The Fourth of July
Why do we celebrate the 4th of July? It's one of the several days the Declaration of Independence was signed. Why the Declaration of Independence? Why not some equally important document, like the Constitution? I suppose that, in the current administration, the whole "rights and freedoms" thing doesn't make much difference, but how about the Federalist Papers? Or the Magna Carta? Why the Declaration of Independence?
Setting that aside, most people celebrate the 4th of July in a certain way: they have a barbecue, or maybe go see fireworks. Why doesn't anybody have a specific tradition for Columbus Day? Or Memorial Day? Or Labor Day, which, as far as I know, celebrates mothers giving birth?
And now, a better version of Patrick Henry's famous "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" speech.
"They tell us, sir, that we are weak, unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. Well, they're right; but when shall we be stronger? Will it be next week? Next year? After a 5-minute training montage? Three millions of people, as well as some dachsunds, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess (well, we don't actually possess it yet, but we're getting there) are invincible by any course which our enemies can send against us, except for the course where you sneak in through Hartford, then go straight for 20 miles, and - I've said too much. Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations, unless He's in one of His Old Testament moods. He will raise up friends to fight our battles for us, so we can stay home and take in a play. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave, the stupid (which encompasses the previous categories). Besides, sir, we have no election, and even if we were base enough to desire it, it is too late to retire from the contest. Yeah, you heard me. I'm a founding father, and I called elections base. Take that, history books! There is no retreat but in submission, slavery, and yelling, 'RE-TREEEEEEEEEEEAT!' Our chains are forged, but they're not well-oiled, so their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston. The war is inevitable, so let it come! I repeat, sir, let it come! Unless, of course, you'd rather call the whole thing off and give us our liberty anyway. Heh heh. It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, 'Peace! Peace!', but there is no peace. There is no Greenpeace either, being 1775 and all. The war has just begun. The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms. You see, we have terrible acoustics in Boston. Our bretheren are already in the field, despite our best efforts using pesticide and kerosene. Why stand we here idle, picking our ears? What is it that gentlemen wish, besides a winning lottery ticket and a condo in the Hamptons? Is life so dear and peace so sweet and fruity-licious as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Well, come on down to Ed's Peace-Life Emporium, and, today and today only, you can get peace AND life for just the price of slavery! Act now, and you'll also recieve a set of Ginsu knives! Forbid paying outrageous prices, almighty God! I know not what course others may take (except for George, he'll take the 405 West down to Wilshire, turn left on Bloomfield, and head straght), but as for me, give me liberty or give me death! But if you don't have liberty, can I at least have those potato skins with the bacon and the sour cream? Those are tasty."
Historical Note: They gave him death. No, really.
Okay, it's not quite 100-or-so things yet, but it's getting there.
posted by Will Stabile
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